Christmas can hold a lot of disappointment for women. Even better yet, we won’t talk about it because we don’t want to come off as ungrateful bitches. We know we have good lives and therefore would rather just ignore you and say everything is fine when you ask. It’s not. It’s not fine. Ladies, I know damn well you know the exact game I’m speaking of. Anyway, guys, if you don’t want to do this song and dance your whole time off during this Christmas season, then take a gander at my advice. I promise I won’t steer you down the wrong path…..or I’ll genuinely try not to anyway.
For The Guy That Isn’t Ready To Get Engaged Yet But You Know She Wants A Ring
Ah, yes. I remember this horrible and awkward time of life and I remember it well. Ok here’s the thing. There is always going to be a small amount of disappointed with whatever you give her. That’s something you just have to get used to when it comes to every holiday, day off, walk through the park, ect. Bottom line is she wants that ring. The key is to give her something she can’t really be upset with. Whatever you do, DO NOT buy her a different small piece of jewelry that comes in a tiny box. You’re setting yourself up for failure with that one. What I’m trying to say is don’t get her a ring or earrings. That’s way too close to being inside of a jewelry store and not buying her what she really wanted. Instead, try buying her a nice watch or something she can still show off and be proud of when three of her friends are showing off their holiday engagement rings. Hint: No woman dislikes Michael Kors watches. Just saying.
For The Domestic Goddess
Unless she has stated she wants new pans, then don’t. If she spends her time doing laundry all day, looking after the kids, running to hockey, and still finds time to make your ass some supper, then maybe look for something to pamper her. A spa day away from you and the kids (sorry), maybe a gift card to sit in a chair all day and get her hair done finally (because we know she won’t find time to book it herself), that sort of thing. Beware though, if this is the route you choose, make sure to tell her it’s because she deserves it….not because she looks like a mess. If you don’t want to go this route, then this IS the time to throw some jewelry at her.
For The Fashion Girl
Ok. I’m only going to say this once. This is the only reason I am writing this for you five weeks away from Christmas. Go into your phone and start a new list. In that list, you will put in her jeans size, dress size, shirt size, shoe size, and coat size. Ask her all of them at once so that she won’t have a flying fuck still about what you’re thinking of getting her. Now, sit back for a second and think about all of those times you’ve taken her for supper when she seemed happier than normal. Know why she seemed that way? Because she felt good, that’s why. Now try to remember even the color she was wearing. If you can’t, then go into her closet and find some of the things that she wears the most when she’s going out and is going to be seen by humans. Take that knowledge to the store with you (and preferably a photo of her clothing as well). Talk to the saleswomen and together you will be able to come up with something that she will love. If you can’t do that, buy her a really nice bag. You can do that from inside you’re house, online. You’re welcome.
For The Makeup Maven
This ones pretty simple. One word, Sephora. You can either go right into the store (or as you call it, Hell) and ask the saleswoman about the new palettes and gift sets out. Makeup girls don’t usually stick to one brand. They want all of the products. So this is pretty fool proof. Also, you can go onto Sephora online and check out what’s new and what the best sellers are. Before you select purchase though, maybe root through her makeup so that you don’t buy her something that she already has. Take a picture of her makeup drawer with your phone if you have to. It’s self preservation at this point.
For The Career Woman
If your lady is in love with her job and spends a lot of her time doing it, then maybe check out some great perfume for her. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be picking up any Ferrari for her or anything. I mean some actual nice perfume. Dior, Mark Jacobs, Stella McCartney, Tom Ford, Versace. Learn these names. These are the ones you want to know. Or, if she works with people, treat her to a nice manicure or pedicure. Something that makes her feel special. Again, jewelry will also work. If in doubt dudes, jewelry. Except for you, guy running from getting engaged.
For The Homebody
You could easily put together a nice package if your lady would rather spend her nights off at home relaxing. A nice plush robe, some slippers, some Epsom salts and bath junk (The Body Shop and Lush can help you), a bottle of wine and some of her favorite candles would give her a lot of options to relax and enjoy herself.
For The Decorator
I know that some people don’t like gift cards, but I would take a gift card over a lamp I hate and can’t get rid of (ps those things never break because that’s just how luck goes). This might be the time to go to a home decor store and grab some gift cards so that she can go without you and spend the day shopping, picking out a bunch of things for the house that you’re guaranteed to hate. Scratchy sequins pillows anyone? And guess what? You have to let her and can’t complain because technically that’s part of the gift you’re giving. Her scratchy happiness accompanied by your silence.
Here’s the thing guys. You want to know what makes your woman angry when she opens up a gift from you? The feeling that you didn’t try at all. If you can purchase your gift in a gas station, then she knows damn well that you forgot and, well, purchased her gift in a gas station. These guidelines that I’ve given you, are just that…guidelines. I don’t know exactly what she wants. I haven’t spoken to her. I know roughly what you can get most women though without getting shot at. If you really want to impress her, outright ask her what she would like. And (are you ready for this?) LISTEN to her. Ask her to make a list of ten things that she would like (ten so that its still going to be a surprise with which you’ve chosen) and REMEMBER the list when you go Christmas shopping. That’s why I’m telling you to spend your time taking pictures of lists and making lists in your phone. We know you always have your phone with you. It’s that little bit of effort that’s really going to impress her. The sheer fact that you tried. You do that and you’re going to be in the clear.
If this is still something that you think you’re going to royally fuck up, then I’m going to do you all a major favor and give you foolproof advice. Go on her Pinterest if all else fails. Every little thing in the world that she’s ever wanted is going to be saved to those boards. You can take it right into the store with you, grab someone working and say “Find me something like this please”. I’m not joking. Pinterest (and myself) have given you the gift of finding out exactly what she wants. So use the force, only for good though, don’t you dare use Pinterest for evil.
The age old joke is that men think about sex and women think about everything other than sex. Well, let me put this gift buying into perspective. Guys, would you rather get a blowjob where she’s trying? Or a blowjob where she really couldn’t care less about the task at hand. Trust me, she will be thinking about how much effort she really wants to put into it after she opened that new stunning set of oven mitts. Now apply that rule of thumb to your gift buying. Merry Christmas!