I remember being young and hopeful. I always had ideas that I could do things even when I’m known for being one of the least graceful people you could ever meet. Well, that rings true for giving myself a bikini wax.
Many moons ago, I told Derek that I was going to attempt this. His exact words to me were “please don’t”. Did I listen? Of course not. What could go wrong? The worst that could happen is having your vagina rip off of your body. I’ve been through worse, or so I thought.
Long story short, I tried. Let me break down the mistakes that I made.
1. I was used to using self hardening wax. Well, did you know, if you put it on extra warm areas of your body that it won’t harden? So there I was, covered in wax that wouldn’t harden so that I could rip it off. Perfect.
2. My back was already up against the wall, so I had to think quick. A razor. That would get this wax off. Nope. No it did not. Did I cut myself? Yes. Did I cut any wax off. No.
3. My last resort was to melt the wax even further by having a scalding hot shower. This water felt like it was imported straight from Hell. The wax wasn’t melting so I figured maybe it needed a helping hand. I grabbed a washcloth (light purple, might I add) and started scrubbing furiously.
I finally emerged from the shower. Derek had to see a girl he didn’t even recognize. This girl was red, cut, scared and had light purple washcloth fuzz covering her cooch because it stuck to the wax that was still there. What did he have to say? “I told you not to do that”. Helpful.
So ladies, I had to walk for you to run lol. I have definitely learned how to give myself a bikini wax the hard way so that you don’t have to. If you don’t want your first waxing experience to go like mine, then just follow these waxing tips so you don’t have the worst time ever.
1. DO NOT attempt to give yourself a Brazilian wax. Stick to simple. Stick to easy. Stick to only the hair that would poke out of the sides of your bathing suit bottoms.
2. Use prewaxed strips. Don’t be a fool and slather your nether regions in wax that you have to melt yourself. You’ll probably end up with third degree burns and it’s a lot trickier once you have a spatula covered in goop floating around your vagina area.
3. Stretch before you start. No, I’m not kidding. You better get limber as fuck real quick if you’re going to attempt this. You need to keep your skin taught, so stand up and stretch for the outer bikini and upper thighs. For the inner thighs, it will be easier if you extend one leg outward. I don’t care if you have to throw one leg up on the counter, just do whatever makes it the easiest to remove.
4. This is a marathon, not a race. Please, for the love of Jesus take your time. The faster you go, the more mistakes will be made. Stick to small areas of an inch and a half at a time. Any strip larger than that and you’ll have to lure a friend over to pull it off for you.
5. Reward yourself after, because honey, you’ve earned it.
I hope this makes your next waxing experience easier. If I had only known the things that I know now, I wouldn’t have found myself in the purple washcloth predicament. On the bright side, if something terrible does happen, at least you’ll have your very own waxing story to tell.