The Time My Appendix Told My Body To Fuck Itself

Remember last year when my uterus put up a fuss and filled itself with grapefruit sized tumors called fibroids? As it turns out, that made my appendix jealous, and like most divas not getting attention, made it throw a fit. Here’s a little glimpse into my last two weeks and why I feel I’m destined to live in sweatpants for the rest of my life.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up ready to tackle the day with my son. It was a snow day so there was no school and the roads were absolute icy bullshit. My stomach was having troubles but it’s been having slight troubles for over six months. I’ve been treated for bladder infections and ulcers so I just thought it was something like that coming back for another round. I laid back down to have a nap for a bit and when I woke up all hell broke loose. Now, I can handle pain. I can handle pain VERY well. Usually I can ride anything out until I feel better. This was different. I was also extremely nauseous. As a mom, there are only two reasons why I will actually disrupt my sons day to go to the hospital. One is pain with nausea and the other is pain with fever. I just really feel like you don’t fuck around with those signs. I called Nichole to see if she could take me to the hospital since Derek wasn’t home and by then the pain had set in so bad she couldn’t recognize my voice. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe and I had to hold it together so that Cash wouldn’t have a freak out. Nothing is worse for him than seeing his “mom mom” sick.

When she got here I couldn’t even get up the stairs to get my health card from my purse. My only option was to walk out the door in what I woke up in and my husbands slippers. This was no joke. The pain was unreal. At one point I had thought that my intestines had exploded or ripped. My stomach just felt weird, painful and not right. I grabbed my bathroom trash can in case I had to throw up on the way and out the door we went.

We arrived at the hospital where I live and were told that they were closed. I had no problem with that. Out of everyone involved, I was the only person not cussing about it. If they weren’t open I just needed to get to Brandon. That was it. I was concentrating on not passing out because I didn’t know what would happen if I did. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. They took my vitals and April came to get me so that she could get me to Brandon. Now, as I said, I understood fully well that they couldn’t help me here. I wasn’t mad. I was just focusing on the task at hand of getting my ass somewhere where I could be looked at. However, I will say that the snickering and laughing as I left was a little uncalled for. Yes, I saw you smirk when I came in. Yes, I heard the undeniable attitude that you gave me when I asked for help, and yes, I saw you try to hold back a giggle when I almost started to cry after hearing the news that I had to get to Brandon on icy roads when the pain was so bad that I couldn’t breathe. Maybe I looked funny because I wasn’t my usual put together self. Funny thing is that you don’t dress to impress when your stomach is filling with poison. If I wasn’t such a fucking lady, I would have thrown my garbage can at them, but I shrugged it off and Nichole and April carried me into the vehicle to start the painstakingly slow trip.

After a trip that had more moans and screaming than a really dirty movie, we made it. We didn’t hit the ditch and I was still awake. I had to focus on something the whole ride so that I wouldn’t pass out. Let me tell you, April was doing her best to hold it together. If I passed out she would have run straight into a snow bank. I know how she works. All I could hope was that my moaning was slightly turning her on and that would keep her from worrying. She was calm the whole time and very reassuring. I didn’t need to go and pass out and throw a real monkey wrench into everything.

When we got to Emergency, I started puking bile everywhere. You know you’re in bad shape when other people waiting to be looked at in emerge help to carry you in and put you in a chair. Now, I hate hospitals. I hate needles. I hate blood work. I hate I.V’s. What a lucky day for me. Another saving grace was that Nicole (yes, I’m friends with a lot of Nicole’s) was working. When she walked out and saw me I couldn’t help but think “Thank you Jesus”. She disappeared for a moment while another nurse assessed me through my puking and moaning. During this phase I was asked “Can you walk this way?”. No. No I could not. So they wheeled me over in a chair and set me up in a bed. Nicole gave me my I.V and drugs started to hit the scene. This is where it gets a little fuzzy.

Have you ever heard of something called Hydromorph? Well it’s amazing. I can’t remember much at this point. I remember April standing over me saying “Steph” because she’s NOT a nurse and tried reading the monitor thinking that I had flatlined. That was my favorite part of the whole experience. She could see my eyes open and hear me talking to her, yet she still wasn’t fully sure I was alive according to that monitor lol. After X-rays I was wheeled back to my little spot in emerge and saw my husband standing there. Evidently he took a rocket ship from Winnipeg to see how I was doing. I don’t think that he had realized how bad it was until he saw me. Remember people, when you visit someone in the hospital, your eyes call your bluff. Even high as a kite I could see his eyes get wide.

Next stop was an MRI. Finally, after hours of not being allowed anything to drink (which, yes, is important because hospital drugs make you thirsty as cat shit), the cause was finally found. My appendix had burst and my body was slowly filling with poison. The only surgeon who could operate was already in surgery. As soon as he was done I was wheeled in. I cried. I fought the air mask off of myself. I was a mess. Nichole’s mom Bev (who’s also a nurse), had come to help with the situation and had said I was still feisty so that was a good sign. I signed my name to so many forms that I could have signed over the deed to the house and wouldn’t have known. Sorry Derek. Desperate times.

Waking up from surgery was painful. Sharing a room with two people that snore incessantly was painful. I just wanted to get better and go home. Or as Nichole nicely put it “You watch that sly minx. You think she’s too full of drugs to pull anything off. She’s scouting out the closest exit right now. I can feel it”. After some walking around and continuous medication, I started to feel a bit better. The stomach pain was gone. So that was a bonus. All I had to do was pray that I didn’t get an infection from my incisions. Fun fact: when you’re filled with poison they refuse to give you dissolving stitches because it can get an infection easier. Three sets of staples for me! An even more fun fact: your friends hang around longer when they find your wealthy surgeon attractive. April, I’m looking at you lol.

Seriously though, thank you to everyone that helped me through this holiday bullshit. It was bad. It was really bad. God bless you and your poker faces for not letting me know how actually bad it was until everything was over. You must all know me well enough that if there was any panic or fear, I would have probably just worked myself up so bad that my heart would have exploded next. Thank you to the great hospital staff in Brandon for looking after me so well and thank you to the hospital staff here for helping me as much as you could. I know that your hands were tied and there was not much that you could do. Thank you for everyone that called, texted and messaged me to let me know you were thinking of me. It was all greatly appreciated. Plus, thank you to my family for gathering around my bed for a Tymkiw Rummy play off. You guys definitely helped pass the time and put a smile on my face. I’m not even going to give a formal thank you to Nicole, Nichole, April, and Bev. I just assume I’ll be receiving calls at some point that say “Rememebr the time you could have died? Yeah well, time to help me bury this body, bitch”. I’m super indebted to you all and I look forward to your help next winter when one of my ears decides to fall off. That would be par for the course.

xo Stephanie

December 14th, 2016|Health|

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