Have you ever watched a movie and thought “funny, that’s not how it ever turned out for me”. I’m pretty sure that the whole world has felt like that. There are so many things that cinema tricks us into believing is the way certain things should go. Lets take a glance at this trickery……

The Elusive Rain Kiss

I have watched a million movies that involve an unbelievably romantic kiss in the rain. I however, have never experienced one. First of all, if it starts to rain I blast out of there like I’m going to die if I get wet. Sugar melts you guys, I don’t want to take any chances lol. Secondly, if my hair gets drenched and my makeup is sliding down my face then chances are the kisser is going to back out of there real quick stating “thanks but no thanks Steph”. Plus, I imagine that in these movies that rain is nice and warm. Here it’s cold and terrible. I start shaking, my teeth start chattering, I clench up like all of my muscles are in a spasm. So my “romantic” rain kiss would probably turn into an uncomfortable and chattery lip bite. Maybe they should put that in a movie.

Glitter Or Balloons Falling From The Roof For Hours

Ok, ever since I watched Footloose for the first time I have wanted to be involved in glitter falling from the ceiling. Then you get to an age where you have attended something where they release balloons, or glitter, ect and you’re left with a “that’s it?” feeling. Sure, it might float around for a second, but its really just going to get caught in your hair or eye and end up looking majestic for as long as it takes you to put your drink down. Heaven forbid you went to the bathroom during the big balloon release. It’s done.

Shall We Discuss Prince Charming

Every little girl dreamed of Prince Charming when they were little. Then we got to an age where that prince can ask if you “wanna bone?” and that dream goes fleeing down the street. Seriously, it would be more realistic if they would put in a movie how much of a big deal it is when someone even surprises you with a coffee. Because that’s as romantic my life is getting. “You picked me up a red bull when you got gas? Take me now!” It’s safe to say the only way that I’m getting a dragon slayed for me is if its on the X Box. I don’t remember the debonair leading man ever sending the woman he’s trying to woo a text of a picture of his penis. Then again, maybe I missed that part of Casablanca. You never know.

……..I’m No Cinderella Either

Well maybe I’m kind of like Cinderella, at the beginning of the movie she does wash a lot of floors. That’s as close to that as I’m getting. I roll around in sweatpants non stop. My hair is never brushed. There may or may not even be a butterfly clip holding it up. In movies women are always in heels looking ladylike and amazing. I look like I just finished working out (don’t be fooled…..I didn’t work out at all). Plus I tell filthy jokes non stop and always take it right to the gutter. Take that Julia Roberts. Are you nervous about losing those prize roles to me yet? Lol. In movies, even a woman having a conversation is bubbly and charismatic with perfect timing. Jokes roll off of the tongue and everyone laughs. I can tell a joke that’s so bad it can provide the room with a wince inducing silence. Also, everyone has such high sex appeal that it amazes me. Flirting looks easy and sexy. I can guarantee, if I try to flirt with you I will fall and ruin it. I’m that good.

Are First Dates Really That Romantic?

Candles? Check. Flowers? Check. Amazing conversation? Check. Instant chemistry and attraction? Check. Shit ton of lies? Check. Seriously. I’ve been on first dates. I’ve heard about first dates. I’ve read about first dates. No ones first damn date goes like it does in the movies. I don’t even know how they come up with it! Those writers must have amazing imaginations. There’s no sending back the meal in the movies because there’s a hair in it. There’s no conversation about how you should maybe go somewhere else to eat because the chef is probably peeing on your plate for sending it back. I think that they need to throw the world a bone and stop setting the first date bar so high. We get delusional at what we think they should be like. Which means that first date is always going to come off as underwhelming. We don’t stand a chance.

Horses Everywhere

Do you know how I know that my life is not up to movie par? The lack of horses in it. I’ve been around a horse ooooooh, about twice my whole life. In movies there are horses at weddings, horse dates, parks with horses, ranches with horses, beaches with horses. It’s never until I watch a movie that I realize that my life is lacking a lot of horse action. Maybe that’s ultimately the key to amazing flirting or a great first date. You just need a horse there.

Movie Sex

Do I even need to get started on this. There is never awkward movie sex. It’s always hot and perfect. There’s no “hold on, I need to put a condom on” or “ow your on my hair!” Everyone is able to undress each other seamlessly. There’s no catching of buttons or a stuck fly. Their leg doesn’t get caught in their jeans when they take them off. Most importantly the woman always has on a matching bra and underwear set. I know what you’re thinking. “What? You mean they aren’t wearing a ratty old sports bra?”. No, that’s me. The women always have perfect hair and makeup on. They didn’t just wash their face and throw some Nivea cold cream on. Welcome to real life boys and girls.

Plans Always Work Out

In movies the girl usually gets the guy, or the job, or the life she’s always been dying to have. In real life, that doesn’t always happen. I’ve had plenty of people tell me no thanks. Sure, I have had some magical life moments. I can guarantee you though that they still wouldn’t be a movie make. When I had my son, it was an amazing experience, but magical? Not so much. Do you know how I know? There wasn’t a horse in the room or glitter falling from the ceiling for an hour straight.

There’s a reason why its called cinema. It’s make believe. And if you’re one of those people having a horse and glitter party right now then I’m officially mad that my invite didn’t get to me. Must have gotten lost in the mail. The only thing you can do when your first date goes bad, or you fall off the bed during sex is laugh. Life isn’t supposed to be a movie. The sooner we all realize that, the sooner we will start crafting that circulating glitter machine on our own. As long as you make your own movie moments, that’s all that matters………except for the rain kiss. I’m not even going to try to press my luck with that one.

xo Stephanie