Ok, so I’m sure that we have all had things said to us that made us throw a “oh no bitch you didn’t” face. I know that I sure have. Maybe the cheese stands alone, or maybe reading these examples will throw you down a spiral of anger after you remember the time some ass face said them to you. Either way, here we go…

“It’s Not You, It’s Me”

So this is just an insult all the way around. Anything is better than this phrase. “I die inside when I’m around you” or “I think you might be the devil” are both better ways at actually saying what you’re feeling. Don’t pass the buck onto yourself to make someone feel better. If you actually respect who you’re with, then maybe tell them exactly why they made you push the eject button on the relationship. This way maybe they can fix whatever annoyed you and learn from it.

“You Looked So Much Better When You Had…”

I used to get this all the time. When I had dark hair everyone would tell me they liked it light. When I had light hair I would be told everyone liked it better dark. It was a never ending battle of fuckery. I don’t know if people realize that any change in appearance is pretty hard to make and nothing makes you want to strip the freshly dyed black out of your hair like hearing how much better you looked before you dyed it. This works with many different things too. Makeup, clothing, glasses, ect. It’s a never ending story of how much better you looked before. So just do what you want to do. You’re not going to win everyone over anyway.

“You Look So Mad All The Time”

To all the ladies with resting bitch face, this ones for you. I happen to have resting bitch face myself. I have been told in stores by strangers “don’t look so happy”. I wanted to scream back off! What kind of crazy person smiles like a maniac while they’re reading the salt content on what they’re purchasing? When I concentrate I look like I’m about to step into the ring with Mike Tyson. I honestly can’t help it. I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. So to all my ladies that look like they’re going to rip someone a new one, I get it. And I accept that mean look on your face and raise you a mean look of my own.

“Your Best Friend Is So Hot, I Would Bone Her So Hard”

This is usually said out loud by some dude that you liked at the time. Awesome. You know what would be even sexier? If you told me how much you wanted a threesome with her AND my mom. Swoon. I don’t know why this statement is ever a good idea to someone. Don’t get me wrong. My best friends ARE hot. I know this. I have eyes. I use my eyes. Therefore, its not really an eye opening revelation that you sir, want to bone them. If you’re trying to crank me up to level one hundred horny, you have better chances by telling me my ass looks fat in my pants.

“Being A Mom Doesn’t Seem That Hard”

Yeah. So people actually say this. None of them have kids, and it makes you actually mini stroke as soon as you hear it. I don’t care if you have an umbrella that allows you to fly and a chimney sweep boyfriend, being a mom is hard. Mary Poppins may have made it look easy but may I point out that she got to fly her ass away at the end. I don’t have that option. There is no magic here. Just dishes and four year old fits that have now incorporated a new scream that sounds like he got his foot caught in the door. Great. Just in time for summer and for all the windows in the house to be open. Even moms that seem to have it together all the time struggle. Is it worth it? Yes. Is it hard? Absolutely.

“Should You Be Eating That?”

Never ever say this. To anyone. Ever. Or whatever they “shouldn’t” be eating is going to end up slammed in your face. Some people are very sensitive when it comes to what they eat. They feel guilt or shame when it comes to certain foods. I’m a glutton so I don’t have this feeling, I however understand that there are lots of people that do. Unless you know that they are a diabetic and you see them pounding chocolate bars dipped in ice cream, then just back off and let them enjoy their treat. Maybe it was a rough day or guess what…..maybe they’re just fucking hungry. Unless its hurting you in some way, don’t worry about it.

“Is That What You’re Wearing?”

My favorite part of when someone asks you this is that after this bomb is dropped and you have to change five thousand times because you feel self conscious, they have the nerve to be annoyed that you’re taking so long. There are exemptions, like if a skirt is so short that you can see a tampon string, then maybe do your friend a favor and tell her. If you feel as though you have seen them in something more flattering, then just say that. “I feel as though the red shirt was more flattering on you and went well with your makeup” gets the point across without making anyone cry in the bathroom for an hour or resent having to go out at all.

“Calm Down”

This is another one that’s going to take your fight from zero to sixty in no time flat. Especially when it comes to women. I don’t know what’s expected to happen when this statement hits the scene. Is the person that’s upset just supposed to stop, get calm and say ok? Like, what is the outcome even supposed to be? If someone is mad as balls, a simple calm down prooooobably isn’t going to go that far. Whether you like it or not, a long and drawn out discussion about why they are mad, most likely set to some sad soundtrack is about to take place. Don’t struggle. Hunker down and wait for the tears.

“Do You Really Need That?”

I know that when this gem has been said to me my first thought was “do I really need you?” Lol. I know that a lot of men don’t understand what a new pair of shoes or top can do for a woman’s week. It perks us right back up. No different then when a new tool just so happens to show up in the garage. I know that for me, it’s never about the cost. I completely understand if you call me on buying something on a whim that’s over a hundred dollars. But if I’m in a vintage store and you’re just saying it to piss me off so I leave faster….well lets see how that works out for you.

“You’re A C…”

Whoa. You have to be VERY close with someone to be able to even joke around and call them the c bomb. I have best friends that I can use this word freely with and I have best friends that can’t stand the word. However,to use this word in a fight? Ooooooh girl, you better put on your war helmet because shit is about to get real. I have been called this word out of anger once, after I was done burying the body I reflected on how it would have been so much better for him to have just stricken that word from his vocabulary all together.

Sure, everything can be said with a sense of humor, a smile, and to the right people and have it be ok. Some of these are very touchy for some people. So be prepared what level of hell may be unleashed on you if you happen to kick any of these out in a situation involving anger. Darlings, you’ve been warned.

xo Stephanie