I would like to think that everyone has had to go through at least one breakup in their lifetime. If you haven’t then get the hell out of here, lucky bastard. I find that breakups always happen in abundance around the holidays and right before summer hits. I don’t know why but it seems to just work out that way. Whenever they happen, one thing is for certain. They suck. Big time. I have wanted to write something about breakups for a while. Mainly because I have watched my friends go through them, I’ve gone through them and I feel as though they are a pretty universal thing for all of us in general. I’m hoping that like me, if you have ever been in this position yourself, that you can look back and remember that terrible time with a smile on your face and think about how far you’ve come.

I haven’t had to go through a breakup in a long time. I’m married and my husband just won’t take the hint when i try (easy, I’m just kidding). I do know how it feels though. When your face gets flushed, your heart beats faster, your heart falls into your stomach, you feel like you’re going to throw up and my personal favorite…that you’re going to have a case of explosive diarrhea. I know all of these feelings too well. It’s something that you never forget, as hard as you might try. I like to call this phase one. When you’re too scared that you’re going to throw up or shit yourself to even allow yourself to cry. It’s like the heart flu mixed with disbelief, mainly because you’re pretty sure your heart is trying to escape out your ass but you can’t wrap your brain around why.

Phase two for me is always anger. Or the “fuck you” phase. You’re angry. You’re angry at the situation, his face, your cat, whatever is around. This is where you are going to spew the most vile words you’ve ever heard. May I make a suggestion? I know it’s going to be hard because you will be caught in the moment but one thing that I have learned over time is to, well, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Anything that you say can never be unsaid. Those words will forever be floating around in their brains. That makes things awkward if you ever get back together. Trust me on this. Try to get the anger out by working out or going for a walk. Be sure to have your ass back at the house for phase three though…

Phase three is to cry yourself into a stupor. You are going to dig up every sad song that’s ever made you cry and listen to it on repeat. It’s true, misery does love company. Cue the sad movies and everything ever sung by David Gray. Shit just got real. It’s all going to hit you at once. The memories, the kind words, and for a split second you are going to forget about why you broke up in the first place. Every second that passes that you don’t hear from them is going to drive you crazy. You are going to think about picking up your phone and texting something that you’ve agonized about sounding perfect for four hours that ultimately is going to be “miss you”. Don’t. Throw your phone in some water if you have to because heaven forbid they don’t text you back. It’s just going to start phase three all over again.

The next fun phase is usually the blame game. You blame yourself. You blame him. You’re a delicate mix of sad, angry, and anxious. No you wouldn’t still be together if you would have worn a different outfit that day. No you wouldn’t still be together if he just took out the garbage when you asked. I know it sounds cliche, but maybe you two weren’t supposed to be together. Maybe you WOULD be happier with someone else. No relationship is perfect, but if a breakup happens it’s usually happening for a reason. Bottom line, one or both of you just wasn’t happy. If being yourself isn’t going to make your partner happy, then that’s not the partner for you. They should want to see you shine, not be annoyed with you when you do. They should be willing to take your good and bad because no one is perfect. If they can’t do that, then there is someone out there that will.

Ah, here we are at anger again. This is a different anger though. This one is tricky. This is the “I’m going to go out and get loaded to prove how happy I am….hopefully it will be in front of him, and hopefully I will bone one of his friends”. Here’s why this is tricky. Us ladies always set out to accomplish this. Instead, we wind up crying because a) they didn’t even notice we were there, and b) because we had to watch their single, flirty behavior all night. The only approach you can take to not end up in tears is just to not be around them. If you’re going to go out, plan to go to places where you know they won’t be lurking around. Go out to actually have fun and not to prove a point. If you can’t do that, then I’m sorry but you aren’t ready yet.

Finally we land at acceptance. You accept that things have changed. You accept that you aren’t together anymore. You know that you’re truly ok when you can hold a conversation with them without wanting to cry or choke them. You really know when you can actually try to have a friendship with them. This is a slippery slope so be warned, chances are you will sleep together again if you’re hanging around each other. Not because you’re soul mates, but mainly because it’s a familiar situation and you’re horny. Don’t be calling yourselves Romeo and Juliet just yet. If you’re going to end up together, then you will. No need to rush it and wind up crying and smelling his sweater for another month. Just let the chips fall where they may.

Breakups are hard. They really are. No one does them perfectly. I highly advise to stay off any of your social media until the storm blows over. It’s one thing to make statuses like “you don’t deserve my tears, I guess that’s why they ain’t there” and it’s another to make one thousand statuses a day that range from “I hate you” to “fuck you, I hope you fall in a hole and die with that tramp you’ve been talking to”. Social media allows you to pick at that wound over and over again. Heaven forbid if they like some other girls pic, the wheels are going to fall off and you’re going to ride that bus straight into crazy town. Don’t be that girl. You’re so much better than that. Everything gets better with time, be patient.

If anything, breakups are a big part of life that are supposed to teach you a lesson. Mainly the lesson will be about what loser douches to stay away from. You will also learn what you are and aren’t willing to take from a partner. You will learn how strong you are, and for some of you, you will learn how to evade the police after you burned your ex’s house down. Whatever the case may be, you will come out of it stronger and better than ever. Look at it as a bright new beginning. You’re going to be fine. Actually, you’re going to be great.

xo Stephanie