Even though I haven’t been on the market for a very long time, I have been through many new boyfriends / girlfriends because of the people in my life. My go to reflex is to act standoffish ( aka let’s see if you’re around for a while before I invest feelings in your ass), but friends talk. Before I know it, I’m hearing about bad sex, bad manners, and even worse dates. I would love to say that it’s annoying or that I hate it, I don’t. Some of the best laughs I’ve ever had have been at the expense of some of these Johnny Come Lately’s. Plus, because of all of the dating horror stories I’ve gotten to hear and experience, now I get to share with you the signs to get the hell out of there and go home if they happen to you.

If They Don’t Seem That Invested

It’s one thing to play it “cool”. If you throw out a proposal on the first date, its time to take it down a notch. However, there’s also being a complete nonchalant d bag. I once lucked out and dated a Prince Charming that took me to a bar on a first date. He left me alone at a table while he went on stage to get hypnotized. Well, he hypnotized me all the way out of there to my friends house. Yup. I left him onstage hoping that they would make him forget my number. I went on a date thinking I would get to know someone better, not to see them cluck like a chicken every time someone said the word “red”. A first date is your chance to be charming and captivating. You need two interested parties to pull that off. Otherwise you could have stayed home and been charming by yourself in your sweatpants.

If Either Of You Can’t Put Your Phones Down

If you are more worried about what’s happening on Facebook rather than having a conversation with your date, then why bother? Did you just want a free meal? Because that’s kind of the way it’s looking. I have heard some real gems involving first dates and phones. Like one time my friend was on a date and while they were doing the normal first date chit chat they added each other to Facebook. To which he creeped her profile in front of her, held up a picture of one of her friends and exclaimed “holy fuck she’s hot”. Needless to say, he was murdered that night. The only time you should have to use your phone is to 9-1-1 your friend because there’s a chance that the creep you’re with is biding his time to slip a roofie in your drink. If you are actually wanting to make a connection with someone, then leave your phones out of the picture.

If You Have To Get Naked Wasted

If you have to drink three liters of whiskey to make your date seem more fun and charming, then press the eject button on that date. Don’t get me wrong, if you are both out together and having a fun time, then having some drinks is a ok (by me anyway). Even if you guys end up getting shitty together, as long as your both having fun then that’s great! You drinking four bottles of wine by the time your apps get to the table and your date doesn’t drink…….well, that’s not a great sign. If you stay there and keep drinking, not only will you be setting yourself up for being completely inhibited around someone you don’t like, but you could be doing the walk of shame with your panties in your purse the next morning. Oh by the way, if you turn into Keith Richards before the stroke of midnight then rest assured, they probably won’t call your ass again anyway.

If They Have The Jerk Knob Cranked Past High

There are standard procedures when you meet someone. Saying that they look nice is usually a pretty normal thing to do. If your date gives you the up down and says “you wore that?” Or “I prefer straight hair on women” when you’ve spent three hours of your life curling it, then you may want to reconsider who you’re spending your time with. Wondering how much interaction your date has had with actual humans before is never a good sign. You don’t need to go in and blow smoke up anyone’s ass, if you think that their hair looks like shit then compliment what they are wearing instead. But don’t pick apart all of the things that you wish they would have done differently. I for one am quite short until I put a pair of huge hooker heels on, which I do every time I go somewhere where I can’t look like a hobo. On a first date the guy I was with looked at me, looked like I kicked a puppy in front of him and said “Oh, I thought you were shorter. If something comes from this date I would prefer if you didn’t wear heels. I like short girls”. Uuuuuum well I would like to poison you, so if something comes from this date it will probably be jail time….for me. Needless to say, we didn’t mesh well. If you end up hating someone two sentences in, then its safe to say you might not make it to your Silver Anniversary.

If They Came To Debate, Not To Date

If you are out on a first date, try to keep conversation witty and light. “Do you like air?” “Why yes, I need it to breath! How about yourself?” . Do not roll up to your date and start a debate on abortion or gun control. Save that for some second date magic. I’m a very passionate person, I will fight to the death over a topic if I truly believe in it. And that’s with people that I love. If I don’t know you then chances are I’m going to think we can actually have a conversation about something if you ask me a question. With issues like that, everyone has their own opinion. We all think that we are right and we all think the other person is wrong. This whole scenario is a little dicy. Let alone super heavy for just trying to get to know someone. Try to keep it as light and comfortable as you can.

Are They Going To Be A Stage Five Clinger

Let me set the stage for you. A group of friends and I were out at a bar one night where a live band was playing. They asked if we wanted to go back to the house after for a party. We said sure and went. Within fifteen minutes after getting there the base guitarist wanted to show me something. My first thought was “eeeek. Please dear god don’t let it be a penis”. Nope, it was a room packed with lit candles while Otis Redding’s “These Arms Of Mine” played and he asked me to dance. Man, did I wish after i saw that, that it was a penis. Was it romantic? Why yes it was, but not when I literally just learned your name fifteen minutes ago. This whole scenario escalated into him quitting the band and wanting to move in with me. Perfect. It was a rough time ditching that one. I don’t like being mean, but I had to do something before he started unpacking his dishes in my house. This is an example of a stage five clinger. If you find yourself discussing marriage plans before the drinks hit the table, you’re going to wake up with a houseguest that never wants to leave. I don’t even know how to help you here, I call this an every man for himself situation. Good luck with that.

Are You On An Actual Date, Or A Sex Date

Now I know we have all found ourselves here. Thinking you are out to meet your soulmate (ah, to be twenty again) and finding yourself out with the guy who owns five different t-shirts that say “vagina tester”. It’s up to you with what you want to do with that handful. If your just looking for some sexy times, then do what you will. Do not, I repeat, do not think that he will fall in love with you or that you had an amazing connection. You might have had amazing sex…..but that’s about it. I have had friends be asked everything from if they wanted to bone in the bathroom to if they wanted to watch their date masturbate. I wish I was kidding. If you want to throw caution to the wind and have sex in the restaurant bathroom, then be safe and have fun. If you are looking for someone that you want to get to know while not having sex in public, then listen to what Iron Maiden has been trying to tell you and run to the hills, run for your life.

We all have terrible dating stories. It’s just the way it goes sometimes. The easiest thing to do is to set boundaries for yourself. If you find that you have to change for someone on your first date, then don’t bother. There is someone out there for us that is just as screwed up as we are. You will never find perfect. But you CAN find compatible. You don’t need to smile through ” You remind me a lot of your sister, just less pretty with a smaller chest”. You can actually tell that guy to fuck himself. Everyone is in such a race to be with someone, but at the end of the day if that person makes you feel worse than when you sit at home alone with your cat, its just not worth it. A great person is out there just for you. You just have to weed those ones out from the ones that only want you naked in the bathroom.

xo Stephanie