Do you know what sounds better to me than trying on bathing suits? How about almost fucking anything else ( sorry about the F bomb, but that’s how serious I am ). First of all, I don’t “try on” anything. I’m a buyer, not a tryer. I would rather eat my own hair than try on a bunch of stuff in a dressing room. So I go in with a clear view of what I’m looking for, do my best, and get the hell out of there. Well, bathing suits throw a real monkey wrench into that plan. They have to fit. You can’t have a breast run astray while at the community pool. Well you can, but its probably not going to be the most flattering story told about you. Unless you have great breasts, then who am I to judge. Anyhow, if you’re like me and would literally rather choose dancing with the devil over trying on some bathing suits, here are some tips to help get you out of there with a new suit without having a breakdown in the change room.

Don’t Take Your Friends

I know that sounds terrible. But do you know what’s worse than having to do something that you don’t want to do? Having to do it in front of other people…..even if you love each other. First of all, they are going to hate your whining ass by the time you’re done. They don’t see the fat on your thighs that you’re talking about. This will lead straight to a dressing room brawl. You will feel like they aren’t being honest with you because they won’t moo at you and they will think that you’re a crazy person.I feel as though I don’t even need to make points as to why not to bring your husband. Every time I feel like I can take him along, I just listen to the song D.I.V.O.R.C.E by Tammy Wynette and it all comes flooding back. Just go it alone.

Take Your Time

Every suit is going to fit differently on you…..unless you’re a mannequin. And if that’s what you’re dealing with while bathing suit shopping, then don’t talk to me. Us normal folk usually have to try on, oh, about ten thousand bathing suits to find one that we MIGHT wear in public without a tank top over it. Those are not great odds. So grab at least two of every style and hunker down for the long haul. If you’re going to suck it up and do it, you might as well do it right.

Don’t Take Your Largest Underwear Along For The Ride

Every girl has a pair of underwear that feel sooooo good but look sooooo bad. Don’t wear those ones. Why try to salvage your day by wearing comfy underpants. It’s going to be an uncomfortable day so slap that thong that you hate on and hit the store. You’re going to have to try bottoms on, don’t be that girl that has her lady parts all over something that might be put back on a store shelf. Wear some small underwear that aren’t going to disrupt the fit of the bathing suit bottoms. Then you will buy a true size.

Make Sure That It Fits

Bend, twist, jump, do the splits if you have to. Whatever it takes to ensure yourself that your vagina will not peek out and say hello. There are children at the pool. Vaginas out all willy nilly at the pool will most likely be frowned upon. Also, make sure that when you move it doesn’t scootch up into thong territory. That’s for your own comfort, not mine. If a bathing suit fits right and is comfortable on, you will be more willing to get into the water without having the urge to cover it up with a sweatsuit first. If it fits right it will make you feel good. Which for a lot of women is half the battle.

Does It Stretch?

The less stretch that the fabric has, the more quickly it can wear out. Then what? You’re back in the dressing room doing it all over again. I would personally prefer to guarantee that my bathing suit was made out of bullet proof kevlar rather than have to go through that process again in the same year. So even if you know nothing about fabric, drill the salesgirl. Someone in the store should be able to answer your questions.

Will It Serve It’s Purpose?

If you have plans on swimming thirty laps at the community pool, then put back that tiny string bikini. You might need something a tad more supportive. If your buying a new bathing suit to lounge around on a chair in Mexico, then that full wet suit with matching cover up might, just might, be a tad excessive. Do you get my drift? Know what you will be needing it for. Or better yet, while you’re putting yourself through this terrible time, purchase one suit for tanning ( slathered in sunscreen of course ) and one for being more active. Then you have every option covered.

Will You Look Like An Ass When You Take It Off?

I totally understand why some women love monokinis. It combines the comfort of a one piece with a little bit of two piece sexy. What’s not to love? How about the thirty six weird tan lines you’re going to have on your body after. If you naturally tan very dark and are getting married in a strapless dress the next day, then leave the monokini at home. Throw that strapless suit on for the day before tanning session with the girls.

Does It Make You Want To Wear It?

If you have ensured that it fits, that it will serve the purpose that you need it to, and that it has some staying power, then ask yourself ” How does it make me feel?”. If you feel terrible in it or feel that it doesn’t look right ( you don’t even need a reason) then you will never wear it. Ever. You have to find one that makes you happy to be in it. If you feel like you have any flaws that you would prefer to have covered, then start with those styles. Although, no bathing suit can cover up paranoid crazy. Which is what I think a lot of us women are dealing with when we force ourselves to try on bathing suits. If you feel good in it, you will look good in it. If you feel like you have to tug, or pull or are constantly adjusting it, people will notice how uncomfortable you are.

Bathing suit shopping doesn’t have to be the worst time ever ( she wrote while laughing out loud), once you know what you’re looking for you can start to have fun with it. If you want a more covered up style that’s more glam, you can look for Marilyn Monroe inspired suits. If you like a bohemian look then you can find one with turquoise beading or fringe. Just be sure to try to enjoy your shopping results. You look beautiful, quit asking and just own it.

xo Stephanie