We all have those things that annoy us or trends that, as hard as we might try, we just can’t get on board with. I thought of a couple more the other day so I figured I may as well write about it and see if anyone agrees with my craziness. Please keep in mind that my opinion is just that. My opinion. If you enjoy one or all of these, I’m not mad at ya. Different strokes for different folks. It’s just a list that I personally don’t do. So don’t judge. I’m just giving you a glimpse into how I think. Prepare to go down the rabbit hole…….

The Pubic Hair Landing Strip

I can totally appreciate this whole look on other women. Some of my friends have been rocking the shit out of a landing strip for years. I however feel like it’s a hair arrow pointing to my belly button ring scar. Like “look up there bitch, it’s the remnants of your youth”. No thanks.

Holographic Anything

If you are not planning a trip to Vegas then please, please rethink that silver and shiny holographic dress. I would normally say if it makes you feel good then wear it, but considering it’s actually the most unflattering thing you can ever put on your body, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Nothing brings out all of those things you want to hide like a skin tight dress that reflects light. I will say this though, if you’re upset because you love your holographic articles of clothing, I totally would rock the shit out of some gold lamé. To each their own.

White Dresses On Wedding Guests

I told you earlier that all of these things that I’m writing about in this post are all my own personal crazy. That if you like any of the things that I’m writing about then embrace them. Just because I wouldn’t doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t……..until we got to this one. This is a pretty key wedding rule. Unless you want to be branded the wedding asshole and never be asked to one ever again, then never trot into a wedding in a white dress. I won’t even wear a white dress with a pattern on it (even after the bride said that I could). You don’t want to take away from the bride. Ever. It’s her damn day. Don’t be that thirsty for attention. You wouldn’t wear a veil. Then don’t wear a dress that mimics what the bride will be wearing.

Neon Animal Print

I have said it before and I will say it again…. I’m not that fun when it comes to style. I prefer to be loud through my one bazillion accessories that I wear. Neon colors are not for me. Neon mixed with an animal print is actually my own personal hell. I swear to Lucifer that my head would actually explode if I had to go to the Jersey Shore. It’s just too loud for me. I can barely get on board with a regular zebra print, let alone one mixed with a super bright color.

Shoulder Pads

I love me some Dallas. I named my dog Sue Ellen Ewing for gods sake. That being said, as much as I would raid every Dallas cast members closet (yes, even Bobby’s. He had some damn sweet shirts!) I would fire back anything with a shoulder pad. Call me crazy, but I just don’t feel very feminine when I walk out the door with wider shoulders than my husband. I’m sure it’s a big turn on for him as well. So if you ever find a jacket that you love but you don’t love that it comes with shoulder pads, just do what I do and cut them out.

The Out In The Open Thong

Now, I don’t mean that you bent over and your pants slipped down exposing a bit of your thong. That’s a different story. Accidents happen and nobody is perfect. This trend that I’m referring to is when the thong is lifted up so it can be seen purposely. It reminds me of a bread tab. Like that little thong piece is going to tell us when your vagina expires. It’s just not a great look. Ps I can’t wait to get angry hate mail from every man in the world for that one.

Acid Wash Jeans

I just feel like these jeans aren’t flattering. Mainly on me. My legs look like two bologna chubs when I wear jeans that have anything going on on them. So I highly doubt that a pair of acid washes would be the thin looking thigh holy grail of jeans. I think I will stick to the plain denim washes thanks.

Couples In Head To Toe Matching Outfits

We have all seen the pictures. Britney and Justin in the matching denim outfits, Victoria and David in matching leather. Uuuuuuum I love that couples love each other that much that they are willing to dress alike but……you guys look like assholes. You literally make more money than everyone else in the world. Don’t spit in all of our faces by looking worse than us.

Dresses That Cost More Than A Mortgage

Ok. All I have to say about this is “what in the sweet fuck?”. Yes I get that they are beautiful. Yes I get that it takes thirty Italian seamstresses to sew it by hand for a month straight to finish it. If that’s the case then put it in a museum! The only people that can afford these clothes are celebrities, who by the way, get the clothes lent to them so they can be photographed in them. Even if I saved my money for the next, oh, twenty years and managed to get my grubby little hands on one, I don’t even have anywhere to wear it. Am I going to slip it on to grab a beer somewhere? Because that’s about as fabulous as I get.

Socks With Sandals

How about we all just agree on this one. Especially black socks. To all of the men in the world: if you do this then prepare to never have sex ever again. I would rather hit on the girl in the hot pink tiger print dress and jacket with the shoulder pads than glance in your sock and sandal direction.

Drawn On Beauty Marks

If you ever think that I have a beauty mark drawn on my face, breath a sigh of relief that its probably just a chocolate chip that fell out of my breakfast muffin. I never understood this trend. The only thing that I understand is that even when I was thirteen I thought that it looked silly. You know damn well that you’re going to end up having one too many drinks and by the end of the night it will be smeared across your face and will look like a whisker.

Dark Lip Liner With Light Lipstick

Nothing says “hey guys! It’s 1984 and I’m here for the blow job party” like this look. I know that you might feel like you are accenting your lips by doing this, but you can achieve the same oomph by matching your lipstick to your liner. Don’t pair some brown liner with a frosty pink lipstick and slide out the door. It’s not flattering and people will mistake you for Eminem’s ex wife…or wife again. I don’t know where they’re at but you get the point.

Lucite Heels

Unless you just finished picking your loonies and blanket up and walking down from the stage, then forget this one too. That’s all that I think of when I see a pair of Lucite’s on the street. It’s even worse when you see them paired with a swimsuit on a beach. Really? Because six inch heels on the beach would look funny. Better grab them in lucite to mimic the outdoors so that they make sense.

Shaved And Drawn On Eyebrows

I get why this could be appealing. Your eyebrows can change with your mood. If you’re angry you can draw them pointed down. If you’re going to a surprise party you can draw them on surprised. An endless array of opportunities can be yours. However, it’s not the most natural look you can go for. If you want to really outdo yourself, then draw some bedroom eyebrows on and pair them with some lucite heels on the beach. I promise you that heads will turn.

So those are some of the fashion and beauty gems that make me cringe. Like I said before, it’s just my opinion. If you love any or all of these things then don’t listen to me. You may not enjoy billowy sacks as tops and I happen to live in them. Do whatever makes you feel good……except for socks with sandals. Cut that shit out.

xo Stephanie