Respond, Don’t React

“When you react to something someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point and your boundaries are lost”.

“When you respond, you remain in control with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say ; and something that violates your separateness”.

“When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are”.
– Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Book: Boundaries

The next time that you’re feeling upset, angry, filled with anxiety, or embarrassed, grab a notebook and jot down how you’re feeling. Then, go down this list and try to identify why you’re feeling the way that you do. We all have things that can upset us, the key with dealing with them the best that we can is being able to identify how and why we are feeling these emotions. When my son is upset, I like to go down the list and see which he agrees with. It really helps kids and adults alike to identify why they are having a not great reaction to something in their day. Give it a try! Think of something that’s upsetting you, go down the list and see which one is the reason and try to determine why it would be making you feel that way. Sometimes it’s hard to look at yourself so closely, but it’s so worth it.

I felt unheard.
I felt judged.
I didn’t feel good enough.
I didn’t feel worthy.
I felt left out.
I felt blamed.
I felt uncared for.
I felt unloved.
I felt controlled.
I felt betrayed.
I felt unimportant.
I felt disrespected.

The sooner we can pinpoint why we feel how we do, the easier it is to determine if it’s a situation around us, or something within ourselves that we have to work on. A reaction isn’t always necessary, but figuring out why we want to give a reaction is. Give it a try and let me know your thoughts on the process.

xo S