So, you may have noticed that I haven’t been around much lately. Last time I really talked about my personal life, I was on my way for surgery. Today I wanted to tell you a little more about that.

I arrived in Winnipeg for my uterine embolization surgery super scared and wanting to cry. My husband and son both came with me because I’m one of those people that thinks “if something happens….”. Cash was a better trooper about it than I was. After getting settled into my teeny tiny room of fear, an I.V was put in my hand and I climbed into a robe that let my ass say what’s up to the world. I don’t know if my wearing sequined underwear was a blessing or a curse. On one hand, they weren’t raggedy. On the other, they were like wearing a disco ball that read LOOK HERE. After a while my nurse came back and shooed Derek and Cash out because we had to get down to pre-surgery business. She looked at me and said “Oh good! You’re already on your side. Don’t move so I can give you this suppository”. She was met with a face that looked like this 😐 and I replied “Dear god I hope suppository means cocktail here”. It didn’t. She didn’t even buy me an appetizer first, which I could have used since I couldn’t eat or drink before this fiasco. After that glorious moment of getting to almost third base, we were buds. No need to demurely try to pull your panties up after that. After my husband stopped laughing at the events that had just transpired, it was go time. So I gave my family some kisses, walked my clenched and sparkly bottom to a gurney and prepared myself to finally get this over with.

I was wheeled on my gurney through the basement of the hospital. Which was pretty cool because I didn’t know that such a place existed. Plus, the drugs were starting to set in, so it was a pretty wonderous place. After getting to radiology, I was met by two nurses. One who would be in the room assisting the doctor, and another who was there to help prepare me. They were both amazing. I hate I.V’s or any type of bloodwork, so when one of them looked at me and said “Well, I’ve never seen that before! Your I.V is in upside down” after I had complained of my hand burning, I replied “I swear to Lucifer that if you have to redo this, I’m wheeling this gurney back home” I was met with a hearty laugh and another shot of drugs. Like I said, they were awesome. They took turns explaining to me what the operation would entail. Placing a stint in my artery to open it and shooting material like dye through to figure out which path lead to the fibroids. Then, they rocket tiny plastic beads through that path that would stick into the fibroid so that the blood supply would be cut off and therefore they would die and then shrink. I would be awake so I could watch it all on the monitor in the operating room if I wanted too. Then I spoke to my doctor who reassured me that he had done this literally thousands of times. He was pretty handsome and I was pretty high so I was ready to get it underway. After one last good cry thinking about my son, the nurse who I’ve now put in my will gave me another blast of happy juice into my I.V. She told me “Just to be sure”. I knew that she was taking pity on me. And I’m thankful that she did.

Yeah, so remember how I could watch the procedure? Turns out I passed out. I remember speaking to a room full of people when I got in there but that’s about it. I immediately came out of it as soon as they were done. I literally woke up to being rolled out of the room. I was still super loopy and obviously full of amazing jokes. Or as Derek calls them “zingers”, so I’m actually very happy that I can’t remember what I said. I’m very surprised I wasn’t picked up to be the star of a comedy though (that’s pure sarcasm). They told me everything went well and because I hadn’t eaten or dranken for so long, my veins wouldn’t keep a stopper in my artery. So they pressed on it until it clotted naturally. The problem with that is that it meant I couldn’t move my leg or raise my head for at least four hours. The plus side was that I was in control of the pain meds I was getting through my I.V. That helped pass the time.

I arrived back to the suppository room of shame and hunkered down, not able to move and not able to make sense. I was working that pain button like I was being paid. The thing with this surgery is I was told straight to my face by my specialist that it’s terribly painful. Any time muscle dies, it’s not a fun time. I think that just knowing that in the back of my mind made me think that if I could just stay ahead of it, I would be ok. It worked. I don’t remember pain. I remember having visitors that I would pass out, wake up and pass out to. I’m happy they came to hear how funny I was! I wouldn’t want Derek to be the only one who was allowed to have that treat. After four hours of laying there and nodding in and out, my nurse came in and told me I was good to go. I was allowed to go sleep in the hotel with my family and not stay in the hospital that night. I guess that very rarely happens after this surgery so I was pretty elated. I’m not a hospital gal and I was basically planning my escape from the second I placed one foot in there. With that I slithered my butt off the bed, put one leg in my shirt and prepared to leave.

Have you ever watched a drunk baby bear try to walk? Well, the thing with pain meds is that they’re great for pain. They are not great for walking, nausea, humor, or interacting with humans. I’m assuming I had a fur vest, hat and sunglasses on during this scene, which makes it even better, considering it would have been around nine or ten o’clock at night. My friends Janelle, Nyco and Travis had to prop me up while keeping my mind off of puking while Derek ran and got the truck. Bless them. They were all nice enough to come to the hotel after too to watch me mill around the hotel room, talking non stop because heaven forbid I should save myself some embarrassment and go the hell to sleep. Finally I gave up the ghost and passed out.

I don’t really remember leaving the hotel. I remember talking to Nichole to tell her I was ok and was met with “I know drug face. You called on the way to the hotel high as a kite”. I didn’t remember that phone call either. Lucky her. So thank you to all of my friends who came, who called, and who were generally concerned. I really appreciate it. Also, I’m so grateful that Derek and Cash were there with me. Getting to see their faces as soon as it was all over was the best feeling in the world. Lastly, to the doctors and nurses at the Health Sciences Centre in Winnipeg, thank you for the kindness you’ve shown me and my family. You guys are great at your jobs and I hope that you get the credit that you truly deserve. So there it was. I was out of this dark hell that had been following me around for the past year. It was finally done or over with…………….or so I thought. Little did I know that the worst was still around the corner. That will be saved for part two tomorrow though. Mainly because this is a post and not a novel. So I’ll see you then!

xo Stephanie