Have you ever dreaded walking into a room full of people? You imagine all of the things that can go wrong and all of the ways you could embarrass yourself. You start to sweat, your hands get clammy, your stomach does somersaults, and there’s a slight chance you’re going to get the scoots. That, my friends, is anxiety in action. I know because I’m one of the not so lucky people that deals with it ALL of the time.

The funny thing about it for me is that no one thinks that I ever have anxiety. I can pull off the act very well. I might be able to walk into a room and look calm, cool and collected, but rest assured that there is a very loud scream going off inside my head the whole time. Just because I can put an outfit together well, people seem to have a different perception of me. They have no idea that I can’t come and say hi because I’m constantly fearing rejection. Honestly, they just think that I’m being a bitch. Then I have another anxiety attack knowing that someone thinks that I’m an asshole. It’s a vicious circle.

The reason why I chose to write about this is because a couple of weekends ago I was out for some drinks and I was sitting at a table with three women. All beautiful, smart, talented and accomplished. They have raised family’s. Their kids are now having kids. They have great lives and always seem like they have it so together all of the time. One of them knew that I had very bad anxiety and brought it up to discuss a little bit. I’m always down to talk about what’s wrong with me (because there’s a lot and I can’t escape it) so it was surprising to me how taken aback these ladies were to learn that I have a very hard time walking into a room filled with people. They almost didn’t believe it. Then something amazing happened. They said that they had the same problem. Talk about a weight lifted off!! I actually felt normal for once! Then I realized that I had made the same misconceptions about them as they had made about me. Shame on me. Why, as someone who deals with this daily, had I not realized that I could be missing the signs in other people? And why were we not all famous Hollywood actresses for the amount of work we put into hiding our insecurities?

Believe it or not, I try to look at the world in a very positive way. Not because I’m on some higher level of learning, but because that’s the only way I can keep my anxiety down. I have to trust that people have treated me badly because they’re going through something of their own. As a friend said to me the other day “If someone burned your house down you would be the person that would say that you could see where they were coming from”. So how did I miss that so many other women (of all ages) were feeling what I was feeling? We could have been sweaty messes together this whole time talking each other off of the ledge. Just knowing that someone else out there understood exactly how I felt was an amazing feeling. Knowing that no one else saw them as having anxiety problems. Knowing that everyone looked at them how I looked at them. Women that had great careers and have accomplished so much to be proud of were scared of the same things I was scared of. They too had fooled everyone, including myself, with their poker faces. For a moment I felt relieved. Then I was hit with the realization that they had also probably been accused of being someone that they aren’t because they were simply protecting that part of themselves that is always telling them what could go wrong.

I always thought I could get a sense of where someone was coming from with their actions, but boy did I miss the boat on this. Fact of the matter is that even the most “put together” people have anxiety. It doesn’t matter what career you have, if you’re happily married, if you’re kids are all healthy and perfect. Anxiety doesn’t care. Some people that seem to have the most are still badly affected by it. And here I thought that I had learned the rule “don’t judge a book by its cover” a long time ago. Turns out I still have a lot to learn.

It’s probably going to take me four attempts to post this because I will be worrying the whole time about what people are going to think and how they are going to view me, but I kind of don’t care. I’ll cry into a pillow later and try to worry about it then. I just wanted people to know that if you’re out and you’re feeling like you don’t want to walk into a social situation, just know I’m probably in there feeling the exact same way. You’re so not alone it’s not even funny. Walk in with your head held high knowing that there are probably at least five women in that room feeling the same way as you. Even the ones that you though were snubbing you or being rude. It’s going to change your perspective in a big way. Those women with all of the friends, the big smiles and the great outfits who seem to not have a care in the world? Yeah, they’re prone to anxiety too.

So, the next time you don’t want to answer the door because you don’t know who’s knocking, or you don’t want to answer the phone because you don’t know who’s calling, or when you wake up after a night out having an anxiety attack because you feel as though you embarrassed yourself by talking to someone you normally wouldn’t, just take a deep breath. I have been there. A lot of us have been there. Remind yourself that even though a lot of us hide it well, we are thinking the same thing. Push on with your day knowing that you are a part of this secret sisterhood of never feeling good enough. We might never be able to change the fact that we have anxiety, but we can help each other by showing kindness and not judging. You never know what someone else is feeling or going through. Especially those with the best poker face.

xo Stephanie