I was having a conversation with a girlfriend the other day and we were laughing about all the actual types of “firsts” you endure when you start to have sex. Some are good and some are very, very, very, quick and bad. Well, when it’s bad it’s probably better that it’s quick….but that’s for another time. Anyhow, seeings how Valentines Day is just around the corner, here are the types of sex every woman must have at least once in her lifetime.
First Time “Oh My Fuck Could This Be Any More Awkward?” Sex
Ah, young love. Or just young and horny. Whatever took you to the first time you had sex doesn’t matter. What matters is that you did it, and probably didn’t enjoy it. I have heard horror stories about first time sex. Bleeding, soreness, not being able to walk easily. What a price to pay for ten seconds of uncomfortable thrusting. This, however, is what you are going to look back on and fondly remember for the rest of your life. This was your introduction to sex, no matter how good or bad it was. Only take this step when you feel good about it (and I’m not talking about feeling good about it in your pants). You can’t redo this moment. Take your time. You have your whole life to feel sore and disappointed. Trust me, it’s not going to look like how it does in the movies.
“Hang On, I’ve Figured This Shit Out!” Sex
This is another type of sex that you never forget. You may take a while to get here, but when you do, you’ll remember. This is the first time you have GOOD sex. Sex where everyone participates, and dare I say it, you both get off. You’ve found your mojo and you know how to lead and how to reciprocate. It’s empowering. You may not be the wildest out there, but you definitely know what this sex thing is all about.
Wild “We Just Broke The Chandelier” Sex
Now that you’ve hit your stride, it’s time to get a bit cocky (no pun intended). You’re going to be branching out and having fun. This stage is usually when you don’t have children in the house because, quite frankly, it will scar them. This is the phase where no table, dresser, sink, or counter is going to be safe. Lamps will get knocked over. You will do that sexy office move that you see on tv and in movies where they sweep everything sitting on the desk onto the floor with a swoop of their arm. Just be aware of any broken glass please, this is how accidents happen.
Make Up “I Can’t Believe We Fought Over That” Sex
A lot of people have staked a claim in the “make up sex is the best sex” mountain. You’re both worked up, there is lots of feelings involved and you’ve probably cried at least once. This is the proverbial sex bandaid. It puts you at ease that whatever problems you’re going through, you’ve at least made it through this one. Unless you’re dating a jerk that bangs you and then breaks up with you right after the make up sex. That’s not really the same. Make up sex is usually full of emotion. If you can leave after that, then it wasn’t makeup sex.
Morning “I Don’t Care If I Haven’t Brushed My Teeth Yet, I Need It Now” Sex
This sex is great because you throw the usual routine out the window. There’s no shower, or making sure you look ok or if you have lotion on, whatever your girl sex quirk is (don’t lie, we all have one……or three). This is a simple “I’m awake and wanna do you” thing. When you’re both into it, it’s super sexy. It’s also guaranteed that most likely one, or both of you will be late for work. That’s a chance you just have to take.
“Sweet Jesus, There’s Something I Thought I Would Never Do” Sex
We all have barriers up in life. The bedroom is no different. There are just some things that when you hear or read about them, you can’t help but think “I would never fucking do that. Ever”. Famous last words ladies. Famous last words. I can guarantee that you will try one of those secret scary things that you don’t want to. It might be the best thing ever, or it might be a terrible experience that you want to start an organization to warn people about it. Whatever the case may be, you’ve experienced something new and it will stick with you for life. Stop playing drinking games where you have to answer truthfully after this sex though, it’s going to stop the room if you have to drink on “I’ve had a threesome”.
“I Would Rather Eat My Own Hair Than Do That Ever Again” Sex
See how I followed the last one up with this gem? Yeah, there’s a reason. I find myself to be somewhat open sexually. There are some things though that I am not ever into trying. Ever. Never. Everyone has a different opinion and will tell you that these things that you would rather hang out in a snake den rather than try are amazingly awesome. Don’t fall for it. If it’s scary and something you don’t want to do, your body is going to clench up like its being paid to keep any penis away from you. After that, if you still try it, you’re probably not going to enjoy it. Thus leads us to…..you probably won’t ever try it ever again. Unless you’re drunk. Then all bets are off.
Hate Sex
I feel as though because you read what I have to say, that I have to be honest with you. So honesty town, here we come. This, my friends, is my favorite type of sex. Hands down, ever. There’s something so hot about it. It’s a mix of you’re mad, you hate each other, you’re yelling and finally you just scream “take your pants off!”. It’s partly because you know your hair is going to get pulled, you’re probably going to choke someone a bit, and the kicker of at least they have to shut up for a bit while you’re doing it. Consider the fight officially over. It’s a win/win all the way around.
Breakup “I’m Going To Miss You” Sex
This is sad sex. It’s emotional. It’s a time where you know that the relationship is over and you’re saying goodbye…..with your privates. You might cry a bit. You know it’s going to be the last time with this person, and you’re ok with it. If it’s break up sex then remember to kick him out the door when you’re done. Any cuddling and you’re going to forget why the hell you wanted them out of there (for at least five minutes until they say something that makes you kick yourself for cuddling). If it’s breakup sex, then the breakup should be well established before hand. Don’t drop that bomb as he’s pulling out or something. That’s something you’ll learn along the way.
“Oh Shit, This Playlist Is Perfect For This” Sex
This will be when you finally have sex to music. You know what I mean. There are songs that have come on over the past ten years that you secretly add to your “let’s bone” song list just waiting for the perfect time to use it. Well this will be that time and it will be amazing. A lot of people have an emotional connection to music. When you mix that with the connection you have with someone that you’re about to have sex with, then hold on. Things are about to get really good.
“You Know What? I’m Going To Lay Here And Enjoy This” Sex
Sex is usually about give and take. There’s nothing wrong with just trying the take though. I would have to say don’t make a habit of it or you might be taking your ass elsewhere. You can’t get away with this one often, and you’re definitely going to have to do all the giving the next time you guys go at it. It’s worth it to try. Especially if you’re usually the more dominant of the both of you.
“We Finally Did It” Celebratory Sex
This is milestone sex. You found your lobster and you’ve just had a major first with them. Engagement, wedding, baby, the purchase of a home. Whatever the occasion may be, it’s time to celebrate. Pantsless. On top of one another. You’re both going to be happy and loving the place your relationship is in. It’s going to be amazing and it’s going to mean something. That’s pretty important sex to have.
I’m not saying that these types of sex are the only types you should be having. First off, why should you be luckier than me lol. Secondly, these are just types that you have to experience at least once. It’s these times that will come up over drinks with your friends. Whether you laugh or cry telling the story, you’ll definitely remember it.
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