Recently I received some very harsh criticism about my post “Keeping It Even”. As much as I love that my readers have opinions, I feel as though parenting is a touchy issue. I think that at the end of the day, all we want is our children to be happy, healthy, and to not be assholes. That’s what I know I’m trying to achieve anyway. With that being said, there seems to be a whole level of mommy wars happening that no one wants to talk about and I don’t really understand why. We are all fighting the same battle when we have kids. I love hearing about other moms parenting styles, because it can help me see things in a different way. In the end though, we all have the same jobs when it comes to raising children. I don’t find that if someone prefers to do those jobs in high heels over a pair of flip flops that it makes them a better or worse parent than the other. It’s differences like that, that make your parenting style unique and there is nothing wrong with it. We have enough on our plates without worrying about trivial shit like those small differences. Being a mom is a lot of jobs rolled into one title that a lot of people try to diminish. Well, I’m here to shine a light on some of those jobs.

Auctioneer

I know that I’m not the only mom out there that could hold an auction in her home and do the calling herself. If you have a child I can guarantee that you have done the auctioneer call at least once. “Come here. Come here. Comeherecomeherecomeherecomeherecomehere. Here. HERE!”. You have to. I swear to god that they don’t actually hear you until you say it thirty times in a row. Once you get good enough at it you will find yourself being able to use it on any phrase. “Stop it”, “put it back”, and “stay off the road” are some of my personal favorites.

Spelling Bee Champ

I have a filthy mouth. Which wasn’t an issue when my son was a year old and couldn’t say a lot yet. Then he hit the stage where he became a parrot and the wheels fell off. This phase is what started my ability to be able to spell anything. Sometimes I spell things so well and quickly that I have to repeat the spelling four more times for my husband (some people pick up on their spelling capabilities more quickly than others). You will find yourself spelling everything from swear words to c-a-n-d-y. Especially when it’s your c-a-n-d-y that you’ve hidden in the cupboard away from little hands.

Goalie

Let me set the tone. It’s bath time. You have just fought all through supper about your child eating. Now you would think that the main goal of bath time would be to get your child into the bath. You’re wrong. Your main goal is to keep them out of everything else that they want to do so you CAN get them into the bathtub. I have four stations I have to goaltend. The toy closet, the coloring books, the stuffed animals in his bedroom, and the tv. Basically I patrol these stations, and when a tiny naked body comes flying at me my job is to kick him back towards the bathroom. I know this sounds dramatic, but if you don’t goaltend then the tub will be filled with stuffed animals and coloring books.

Personal Chef

My son won’t eat a lot of meat. He will eat some chicken and that’s about it. I can’t even dress up beef to pretend to be something different. He’s too smart for that. So I have to come up with other protein options for him on a daily basis. I know that a lot of parents are quick to say “he would have to eat what I give him”. That’s nice and all, but then he would never eat. He eats fruit and vegetables like a champ, meat for him is a no go. I don’t want to give him weird food issues when he’s older, so I’m trying to ride it out. Sure, grapes and a peanut butter sandwich might not be a five star restaurant make, but to him it is.

Maid

You have never lived until you’ve spent your afternoon doing things like picking pieces of play dough out of your carpet, or trying to clean milk out of your fish tank. Nothing fills my son with more happiness than watching his mom carry gallons of water in and out of the kitchen like its her job. All to save the family goldfish. Now if this happens to you, don’t have a “why is this happening to me” breakdown. If you have a toddler you are going to have surprises like this every day. One of my sons favorites was to spray himself and the cat down with my perfume so that they both smelled like they had just retuned home from a hooker party. All you can do is tell them to not do it ever again and wait with fear in your heart about what they will find the next day. The cat will wait with fear in his heart as well.

Laundress

If you have a small child you will wonder at least twice a day how they can accumulate so many dirty clothes. Especially when they can start to dress themselves. Colored a picture? Better change your whole outfit. You will have a very tight bond with your washer and dryer by the time that they are four. Might as well just plug the coffee maker in beside them and hunker down.

Teacher

Abc’s? Check. Counting? Check. Colors? Check. Animals? Check. Shapes? Check. Your day is going to be spent teaching your little one all of these things all while trying to make it fun. Mainly because, now repeat after me…. “Learning is fun!”. There will be things that make you freeze in fear. For example, “mum mum what dinosaur is this?”. Well shit. I had to bone up on dinosaurs real fucking quick. Sure, it was cute for a minute to make up funny donosaurs using my husbands name. Like the elusive “derekpourmesomewineasaurus”, but then you have a flash of him calling it that at school and you pick up a dinosaur book real quick.

Singer/Songwriter

If you have ever had to sit through any Barney movies or any children’s movies that involve singing then you probably know where I’m going with this. You will have to sing. You will have to dance. You will have to change the words to songs because that’s not the way that your child wants to sing them. Your house is going to turn into a broken down talent show starring you and you won’t care. Your child will have so much fun with you that it will make you forget that you are rocking out hard to the opening of Scooby Doo.

Private Detective

Ok, if you are married or have dated anyone then you have probably been working on your detective skills for years. This is a different kind of sleuthing though. This isn’t “who’s number is this?”. This is more of finding flour dumped all over the kitchen and having to follow tiny flour footprints all through your house to find the culprit. This used to be my sons favorite game. Guess who got into your makeup? Well now you have to guess where all of the makeup has been smeared in the house. Fun!

Nurse

I kind of think that parents all have hidden medical skills that we never knew that we had. If your child has a cough or a cold you will literally sit up all night beside them, not sleeping, to ensure that they are ok. That, my friends, is called the night shift. You may have never known how many Tylenol a grown person should take, but you will know how much medicine you can give your child just from their weight alone. If you don’t believe me about your medical super powers, then the next time they are hurt kiss their boo boo. It works like magic. Which makes me wonder “Am I magic?”……all signs point to yes.

These are only some of the jobs that everybody does once they have a child. Your day will never be dull. You will want to pull your hair out. More importantly, you will wonder if you are doing everything right. Here’s the thing with that, if you are basing your life choices on keeping your child happy and healthy,then you’re doing it right. Bottom line. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing while you are doing it. It doesn’t matter if you do some things differently than other people. If your main goal is to do what’s best for your child then you’re already ahead of the game. Parent proudly. You’ve taken on a very hard job. Be proud of all of the accomplishments your child and you will achieve together. In the end, that’s all that matters.

xo Stephanie