I was having a coffee with my mom this morning (it’s actually my best friends mom but she’s willing to share her with me and I’m so very grateful for that), and we were discussing people that don’t “get” us. You know the ones, you could say the sky is blue and they would somehow spin it that they’re mad at you because you should have said it was turquoise. Yeah, those ones. I found it to be a really interesting topic so I figured what better thing to write about on a Monday.
Women don’t get me. They never have. Then my feelings get hurt because I don’t understand what vibe I’m putting out there. I find there’s no middle of the road with me. You either want to talk to me, or you don’t. That’s my “thing” I guess. Lucky me. I can be too loud, I don’t say the right things, they might not agree with how I dress, or do my hair and makeup. Whatever the case may be, a lot of the times I’m not given a chance.
I used to get such bad anxiety over it I would sometimes be physically ill by it. Before family suppers, if I knew someone was there that very vocally disliked me, you could find me throwing up before I went. I can’t lie to you and say that it didn’t affect me because oh sweet Jesus did it ever. Also, I allowed it to.
I would beat myself up over it. What the hell was I doing wrong. Did I not say thank you enough? Did I laugh too loudly at a joke? Did I have bad table manners? I would arrive home with an arsenal of questions to berate myself with. Never knowing the answers, always feeling the same shame and disgust with my actions, even if I sat as quietly as a church mouse.
Then, on one glorious day, it hit me. Why did I care? Why was I not paying attention to everyone else that was so warm and always welcoming? Why was I so fixated on the one or two people that didn’t like how I rolled? It changed the game. I needed to start to be better to the people that were good to me. My son needed to see his mother enjoy herself, not throwing up from anxiety over an issue that I could never change. I had to realize that the only power that I had was my reaction. I can’t control how others see me or react to me. I can only be who I am throughout the course of their actions. Be authentically myself, and not shrink in situations where someone may or may not like me.
The more I thought like this, the better I felt about myself. There was nothing missing that I needed validation about. I’m pretty ok with me as a whole. I make mistakes, I sometimes take the wrong path, I swear and I’m loud and I make the wrong jokes at the wrong time, but I’m no better or worse than anyone else. No one deserves to feel that anxiety. No one deserves to be picked apart by someone who is not interested in getting to actually know them. If you judge me on five minutes with me, then I guess I’m allowed to judge you on how you treated me in those five minutes. It took me a long time to wake up and realize that maybe, just maybe I didn’t like how they treated people. I didn’t like their attitude. I wasn’t meant for them, and they weren’t meant for me. For the first time in my life, I was ok with that.
Vibes are very real and they can tell you a lot about a person. I might not be for everyone, but the people that love me do. And I’m so happy that I’ve found a couple that laugh extra loud at the bad jokes, that also swear a little too much, that also get a little lost from time to time, that get me.
There are going to be lots of people that you come across that aren’t going to like you because of how you are. Maybe your spirit irritates their spirit? Either way, they aren’t supposed to be in your life, but the test they’re giving you is. Take the test. You’ll either pass with flying colours, or you’ll learn a lesson. Either way, be yourself. There is only one of you and it would be a shame if you didn’t let your weirdo light shine because someone that won’t ever like you, makes you feel like it’s not ok. You’re going to attract love from where you’re supposed to, let the rest fall to the side because your gratitude for the good roars louder than the anger from the bad. That’s where your power is.