I’m one of those people that has always been intrigued with beauty. Every aspect of it. I didn’t play with trucks. I played with Barbies. I did their makeup, I cut their hair, I dressed them up (like baby prostitutes). They may or may not have had one or two sexual experiences in a Barbie convertible. My point is, on the inside I was all girl. On the outside it was a different story. I was not a cute kid. I was chubby. I had a permed mushroom cut. I was wearing skin tight striped neon bike shorts.

I longed to look like my Barbie dolls. I carry this with me still to this day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rocking a permed mushroom cut these days, but on the inside I am. Especially since in the past couple of decades there has been an explosion of beauty. Social media has spotlighted it. No one slaps a photo up there with their hair looking like shit where they look ten pounds heavier than they actually are. Those photos are deleted off the old cell phone pretty fucking fast. I’m guilty of this kind of craziness.

So when one of my favorite couples who happens to be made up of two of my best friends asked if I would model a t shirt for one of their web sites I immediately threw up in my mouth. I said yes because for one, the shirt fucking rocks and for two, because I love them. It’s very flattering to have people love you so much that they want to include you in awesome things that they are doing. So it was a no brainer. Then mushroom cut me started pointing out why I had no business doing it. “Where do you get off even thinking you can pull this off?” Said my brain.

I’m fully aware of what I look like. I’m especially fully aware of the flaws. So when do you tell your brain to get the fuck out and embrace an amazing opportunity? Especially when one of the friends who asked me to do this models all of the time and is crazy beautiful. She is also one of my biggest fans. Always pushing me to do things that she knows that I’m not comfortable with. She see’s beauty and potential in me that I don’t. It’s no different for me than when I started this site. She is actually my branding manager and handles my stress case melt downs on the daily. It’s very hard for me to put my personal thoughts out there to be judged. Once they are out, you can’t back peddle. You have to own it. And everyone has a different opinion on how things should be done. Whenever someone new likes my Good As Gold Living page I have to go stand in the kitchen and have an anxiety attack. I love that people are enjoying it so far, but that damn mushroom cut me keeps asking why.

My brain is always something I’ve been able to stand behind. I like the way I think. Looks and self esteem however, has not been my strong suit for quite a while. Like most women I’m always second guessing myself. I think that’s why I enjoy fashion so much. For some reason I can detach myself from what people think about what I’m wearing. If I like it I’m wearing it, end of story. No matter what others opinions may be.

I keep telling myself that beauty is subjective. Everyone considers something different to be beautiful. I for one happen to come across lots of different looks, and I always take something positive away. I love dark hair. I love tattoos on women. I love all body types and shapes. I love eyes that look caring and kind. I look at my group of girlfriends and I can’t help but think that they are some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever come across. They all have different looks, but I feel like Hugh Hefner when we all get together. Seriously, I have amazingly beautiful friends.

So here is my plan. I’m going to attempt to embrace the things that I like about myself. All two of them (LOL!). I’m going to try to have these photos taken with self confidence and try to not worry about how my thighs look. I swear its going to be an uphill battle. Even my body works against me in photos. I’m naturally awkward so have fun posing me, and my one eye decides to shut down and close in three quarters of my photos. Awesome. So I might actually die inside. But I’m gonna give it a try. Maybe I will surprise myself……that’s not likely because god never misses an opportunity with me. I figure though that if it doesn’t kill me ( which it actually might) that maybe it will quiet down that minky mushroom cut kid.

At the end of the day I’m smart enough to realize that I am not, nor will I ever be a Barbie doll. I’m also honest enough to admit that it makes me sad. And even if I did, I would probably never realize it anyway. There would still be something that I didn’t like. So I’m going to give it a shot. I’m figuring I can get through it with a little beer and a lot of humor (or vice versa, I’m not sure what the amount of each needed will be). Whatever the case may be, at least I’m going to give it a try. We have to be willing to listen to other people when they give you a compliment. It’s hard for me to not retort “yeah right” when someone tells me that I look nice, but I’m trying.

So wish me luck. Best case scenario is these photos won’t come out looking like my one eye is closed in all of them. The worst case is that they just don’t use the damn things and I have something for all of you to read about. Either way, I’m grateful for the opportunity. Hopefully one of these days I can quiet the little permed mushroom cut girl inside of me. Until then though, I’m just going to try the best that I can to gracefully take a compliment and enjoy the things that I do love about myself. Things can always be so much worse, so be grateful for what you have.

xo Stephanie